In order to start this journey, I first had to reach my absolute lowest point in life. All my life I belonged to the group of people whose life wasnˋt a bed of roses. You could say I used a lot of clicheś. My parents divorced when I was very young, stepparents on both sides, 3 brothers , my mother alcoholic with violent tendencies, all of us living a poor life, somedays even without food , because my mother used all the money for alcohol….

So my biggst dream was to have my own family, living a solid life with enough money for all necessities, a loving husband and children. I would be a better mother, a better wife, a better human. I would always be there for my family, be calm and understanding, be supportive and generous. I would educate my children with love, no violence allowed. I would let them choose their own way, no matter what. I had it all planned out in my mind, a wonderful life full of love, respect and harmony. Isnˋt it nice to picture a life like this?  Well, I can tell you it doesnˋt work out like this.

I was freshly divorced from my cheating husband. Even during our marriage, I was always rejected by my parents-in-law and had a difficult relationship with my sisters-in-law. I never felt welcom and was rejected because I came from a poorer background. I could do what I wanted, it was never enough to be accepted.My husband never really stood behind me and after a while I became unacceptable to him to. His failure with his workshop became my fault because I stayed at home to look after our two young dauthers and didnˋt go to work to support his dreams. Even our intimate contact was no longer good enough, no longer frequent enough, no longer unusual enough, until at some point I could hardly bear to be touched by him. 

The only truly beautiful thing in my marriage was the birth of my two daughters, whom I love with all my heart. It was worth it for them alone.

When my husband finally separated from me because he had found a new women, I was less sad then relieved. I thought we could take better care of the children seperatly and learn to communicate respectfully with each other again, with emotional distance. His need for a new family meant, that I, as the biological mother of his children, was increasingly viewed as an enemy and the children increasingly being caught between the sides. I was so shocked and hurt. After all this years, he didnˋt even think I deserved to be the mother of our children. My parenting was constantly criticized by him and his partner, who claimed I wasnˋt open to a blended family. It was the finest psychological warfare, but what really got me was when my children turned away from me emotionally. Since birth, I was the only one who took care of them, but I was nothing compared to their father. What had I done wrong as a mother? 

When he moved to another city with his pregnant partner and her daughter, they persuaded our youngest daughter to come along, but left our eldest out. I was devasted that she chose his new family over me. While her sister wasnˋt even given the choice to go with them, I was left at home with a very angy, disappointed and sad child, while I tried to process my own shock and pain. At one point, I even considered suicide to stop the pain and despair, beliving no one would miss me anyway and giving my oldest the opportunity to live with her father. But I couldnˋt do it. I still remember when my mother cut her wrists while we children stood by after her second husband left her because he couldnˋt stand her jealousy anymore. I could never do that to my children, I could never punish them like that, even if they break my heart. So I endured!

For my environment and my circle of friends I was the Ex-wife and the mother of two children. Every converstaion revolved around my marriage, my divorce, our relationship after separation and everything that happend. Even if it was good for me at first to talk about it and receive sympathy and support from my friends, sit soon became too much for me. I felt like I existed solely for these two roles. Could no one see that I was also, and above all, just Nadine? It started to annoy me and after a while I withdrew more and more from my circle of friends and refused to talk about it. I felt increasingly lonley without having someone I could talk about myself, my pain and my despair, without predjudice. I even tried psychotherapy, but it didnˋt help me exept for the feeling of sympathy and pity. 

While searching for someone who could help me find myself again, I found my teacher. She showed me the way to get to know myself, to understand myself and my life, to accept and forgive and ultimately to let go with the ability to know my own path and to walk it full of love and joy.

Sharing my story is not about receiving sympathy or understanding, but itˋs an example of how to find yourself, when you are ready!